Boris Eurovision - Nul Points

Seemingly unaware of what happened last time he tried to challenge for his party leadership, London’s formerly very occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is at it again, using the platform given him by the increasingly downmarket and desperate Telegraph to allow his thoughts to be put before his adoring public, whomsoever they be.

An absolute Muppet. And Elmo from Sesame Street

So it is that today’s Tel proclaims “Boris: Yes, we will take back £350m from EU for NHS … Foreign Secretary sets out grand vision for country after Brexit … Staying in single market and customs union would be mockery … Chancellor must cut taxes and regulation to boost economy”. And, my friends, to use the Bozza vernacular, it’s total crap.

To fisk this hot, steaming and not at all appealing pile of weapons grade bullpucky would take rather longer than the time available, so here are a few selections from Bozza’s take on the Whizzo Assortment of dubiously crafted sweetmeats.

Under “Foreigners could be prevented from buying homes in Britain”, we read “It is often pointed out that the price of housing in certain parts of London may be increased by buyers from overseas. But there is no point in putting any kind of tax on foreign buyers, because the inhabitants of 27 other countries cannot legally be treated as foreign”.

Two things here. One, the buying up of London property by foreign buyers is driven mainly by those from outside the EU. And Two, this is from the former Mayor of London who did sweet Jack about the problem during his eight years in City Hall.

“We will take back control of roughly £350 million a week”. No we won’t: as Faisal Islam of Sky News has pointed out, last year’s gross EU weekly contribution from the UK was £230 million, and £153 million net. It is possible that those figures could reach £310 million and £199 million in two years’ time, but Bozza would still be over £150 million short.

How about Bozza’s recollection of what the referendum was about? “Before the referendum, we all agreed on what leaving the EU logically must entail: leaving the Customs Union and the Single Market, leaving … the European Court of Justice”. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It was about the question on the ballot paper. No more.

Maybe he’ll do better on infrastructure? Maybe not: “this country still has chronic problems, and at least some of them have been exacerbated by the rigidities of EU membership - and certainly by the way we have chosen legally to apply those obligations … our infrastructure is far too expensive - and takes far longer than France or other countries”.

Spain too … and guess what? THEY’RE BOTH IN THE EU.

Bozza makes the same gaffe when talking about the UK’s poor productivity, only this time he cites not just France, but Germany. Which is also in the EU.

In any case, he’s only trotting out this drivel because he’s been leaned on to do so. And the same people who leant on him to bat for Vote Leave will make damn sure he doesn’t get anywhere near taking up residence in 10 Downing Street.

Bozza’s Eurovision entry is the usual damp squib. So that’s Royaume-Uni, nul points.